Something for Nothing
by run and hide
Summary: A random story where boys cry, frogs attack, and Voldemort searches on Google. Just kidding. Or am I? Review and you'll recieve a big cookie. REVISED CHAPTER 1
1. Friendly Encounters

Disclaimer: Harry Potter & friends are owned by JKR. This goes for my entire story.   
**NOTE: REVISION OF A REVISED VERSION.**   
Chapter 1 - Friendly Encounters 

"I believe everything is packed," muttered Hermione Granger, poking at her suitcase. In it were neat tidy piles of robes, books, and other school supplies. She heaved the suitcase downstairs, and into her parents' waiting car outside. 

After several minutes, the Grangers arrived at King's Cross, and her parents gave her a hug, waved and said, "Be sure to study!" Hermione rolled her eyes and gave a pained smile. Her parents telling her to study was like telling someone not to forget to breathe. 

Sighing, she headed off towards Platform 9 3/4, and soon found herself staring at the Hogwarts Express. It was an...interesting name...sure, but she _did_ find it a bit odd that the school she was attending was named after the imperfections of a pig's skin. 

She got on the train, searching for Harry and/or Ron. Spotting them, she smiled and waved - also smacking someone with her gesturing. 

"Sorry I didn't -" she stopped short, realizing who she had hit. (Yes, for introduction purposes) "Malfoy. Never mind, then." 

"Granger," Malfoy nodded, "I had hoped you had fallen off a cliff and died, but one doesn't always get what he wants, does he." 

"Still as mature and friendly as ever, I see. Well, I'd _love_ to stick around and stare at your ugly face some more, but I've got to meet with my friends. Why don't you go do the same? Oh sorry, I forgot. You don't have any, do you? See ya." 

Without waiting for an answer, Hermione ran off to Ron and Harry. They found an empty compartment and settled themselves in. 

It was then that observant Hermione noticed Harry's black eye. 

"Harry... your eye!" 

Harry grinned. "It's nothing. I got in a fight with Dudley, after I pushed him the water and he just... sank." 

"Er - good for you." 

Suddenly, Luna Lovegood entered the compartment, sat down, and began to color in her coloring book. 

"My father bought me these," she murmured dreamily, "He said I could show off my creative side." 

The train began to move, the three friends engaged in conversation, and their sixth year was about to begin. This year, things will be very different. A good kind of different, for once. 

*****   
Yes... This was completely revised. Not as wacky as before. Please review, and if you'd like for me to email you alerting you of an update, feel free to leave your email, saying so. Thanks. 


	2. Yum Yum Food

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own anything.  
  
A/N: I know nothing makes sense really, but that's the point, no? Heh.  
  
Chapter 2 - Yum yum food  
  
Groups of friends entered the Great Hall, chatting animatedly with their friends. The first years trailed along after Professor McGonagal, waddling along, scared stiff. Malfoy and his little group including Pansy Parkinson, Crabbe, and Goyle, shoved the smaller kids to a side, even sending one tumbling over doing an awkward back-somersault. Pansy turned around and let out a shriek of laughter after seeing this, causing her to not see a low branch. She hit the branch and keeled over unconscious.  
  
"My dear love, art thou all right?" cried Malfoy. He swooped her up in his arms and kissed her passionately.  
  
Pansy awoke with a start and wrapped her arms around his neck.  
  
"Drakie! Honeysnookies! I thought this day would never come!" Pansy swooned, and the two started making out.  
  
Crabbe saw this and had gave an odd, shocked sort of noise.  
  
Goyle elbowed him in the ribs and told him, "Don't worry. Malfoy's drunk and high off something. He'll regret this later." With that Crabbe and Goyle threw their heads back and laughed stupidly.  
  
Anyways....  
  
Soon everyone was settled in the tables, anticipating for the feast to start. After what seemed like hours to their hungry stomachs, Dumbledore finally rose from his seat and immediately everyone quieted down. Instead of his usual speech, however, he started singing. Offtune, maybe, but singing nonetheless. What song you may ask? Why, "Calling You" by Blue October of course!   
  
Juuust kidding. Let's back up. Yeah, so Dumbledore stood up and started giving his speech about the Forbidden Forest, the usual rules... etc etc. And with a simple word of "begin", the tables were suddenly filled with glorious heaps of food.  
  
When Ron, mouth stuffed crazily with chunks of porkchops, looked up at Hermione, he noticed she was looking amusedly at the Slytherin table. Pansy was throwing her arms around Malfoy, and Malfoy looked severely disgusted. He slapped her hands away whenever she made a move.  
  
"Drakie-kins, you seemed quite happy when you smooched me a while ago," whimpered Pansy in an ugly, high pitched voice while batting her eyelashes, "what happened darling? I thought you loved me."  
  
"Yeah?" retorted Malfoy, slapping her hand again once more, "that's because I was drunk and high on something. Who'd love you? You look like the end product a mutilated gorilla who mated with a gay hippo."  
  
Pansy stared at him, obviously trying to comprehend the long words that Draco had thrown at her. Draco, sick of Pansy's stupidness, and scared of her stupidness rubbing off on him, scooted over a bit and looked around the Great Hall. More specifically, the Gryffindor table. The usual, Hairy Potty, moRon Weasel, and some girl next to them... oh wait that was Mudblood Granger. Dang, that was GRANGER? The ugly shrew who's hair reminded him of frizzled spaghetti? No way. Couldn't be. But yes. It WAS. She hadn't changed THAT much... but the whole hair-change gave her an entirely new look, he thought.  
  
'You have the hots for her, Mr. Malfoy,' said the little voice inside his head.  
  
'Shut up stupid voice. I won't listen to you. I have NOT got the hots for her, you hear? She's ... (pause) uh. Ugly. There," Malfoy said back to him self.  
  
'Do too."  
  
"Nuh uh."  
  
'Yuh huh."  
  
"No. Shut up. Go away. You suck."  
  
"And this is coming from someone who talks to the voice inside his head? (laughs) Dork."  
  
Malfoy tried to talk back to the voice but he couldn't think of any insults. However, it seemed that the voice had left. He looked quite stupid knocking on his own head and screaming, "Come back you bloody bastard! I wanna word with you!" His friends the brainless puts Crabbe and Goyle seriously were thinking of shunning their friend.   
  
The feast ended without further interuptions or acts of stupidity, and soon the students were heading back to their dorms to call it for the night.  
  
*****  
  
*sob* If you have anymore ideas, PLEASE hand them to me. :) I'll give you 2 and a half cookiesss! 


	3. Potions Time

Disclaimer: Not mine. You should know that.   
  
A/N: Thanks for the reviews so far... I appreciate those who took time to give a comment :) And today I am typing with gloves on (it's so cold!) so if there are some occasional typos or whatnot, please forgive :)   
  
I don't even know if anyone is reading this or not, probably not, but if you do, please let me know. Right now I'm just writing for my own amusement, which is quite a sad reason.  
  
Chapter 3 - Potions Time  
  
Hermione walked alongside with Ron and Harry back to the Gryffindor common room. It looked as comfy as ever, with its merrily cackling fires and the squishy chairs arranged around the room. Two first years were sitting in the trio's favorite chairs, so they decided to go and shoo them off.   
  
"HAH you look like you have a potbelly in this picture, Harold!" said one of the first years, waving around a photograph of the other.  
  
"Yeah, it's getting harder to hide," replied Harold sadly.  
  
"Er -" coughed Harry from behind them.  
  
Harold gasped and flushed in embarrassment. He hastily tried to cover his stomach by folding his arms. Harold then mumbled something inaudible and ran as fast as he could towards the boys dormatories, running smack into the wall in his first attempt. The other first year calmly stood up and followed Harold.  
  
After awhile of chatting beside the fire, Hermione yawned and stood up.  
  
"Time for bed, you guys. G'night," she said, walking to the girls dorms. On her way, she stuffed some elf hats into some corners. The hats seemed to be getting worse-looking. Her skill seemed to have retrogressed. The once hat-looking things now looked like clumps of yarn with knots.  
  
Morning came at last, and Hermione slipped out of her covers, stretching her arms above her head. She looked down at her socks and smiled. They were blue, and had these dogs on them. Many say the dogs look like cows, but she didn't agree... Her pajamas consisted of a blue tanktop, with soft flannel plaid bottoms. She had seen this kind of style in those Muggle magazines... Without looking, she reached into her suitcase and grabbed some random clothes and shuffled off into the bathroom.  
  
Meanwhile, Draco woke up and jumped out of bed. He didn't like being all wishy-washy about getting up, he thought that once you were up, you were up. He was wearing his favorite boxers. The ones with racecars on them. He had discovered a newfound love for racecars, after he realized that the word 'racecar' was a palendrome (spelled same backwards and forwards, incase my spelling was too horrible)! He too grabbed some clothes and headed towards the bathroom.  
  
Soon, the Great Hall was beginning to fill up for breakfast. Ron, Harry, and Hermione plopped themselves down around the Gryffindor tables and each immediately started to devour their bacon and eggs. Professor McGonagall walked down the aisles, handing out the schedules.  
  
"Blimey!" Ron exclaimed, "today's going to be one of the worst days ever! Look what we've got... Divination and double Potions. With the Slytherins." He groaned.  
  
Classes were about to begin, and Ron and Harry started off towards Professor Trelawny's classroom. The room was as heavily perfumed as ever, and Professor Trelawny was walking around, setting a copy of 'The Dream Oracle' on every desk, muttering under her breath something about persimmons.  
  
"Today, class, we're going to start off by doing a bit of review. Pair up and interpret each others latest dreams, with 'The Dream Oracle' as your aid. You may... begin," whispered Professor Trelawny, as everyone settled down.  
  
"Er, I don't remember any of my dreams, really," Ron said to Harry, "Let's just say, oh, I dreamed that I was walking down the street and it started to rain cherries. Then... one of the cherries fell on my eye and I went blind."  
  
"Okay then," replied Harry with a grin and he started flipping the Oracle to the 'cherry' section.  
  
Divination came and went, and soon Harry, Ron, and Hermione found themselves sitting in the Potions room, down in the dungeons.  
  
"Settle down," said Snape softly, but unneccessarily, as the mere presence of the greasy haired man was enough to shut anyone up.  
  
"Today we will be making a potion where you can get inside someone's head, not literally of course, and know what they are thinking and feeling. Instructions and your partners-" he tapped the board, "-supplies needed -" the cupboard sprang open, "-begin."  
  
Hermione glanced at the board and realized to her horror that she was paired up with the dumb git Malfoy. Cursing, she headed over to the smirking idiot.  
  
"Granger."  
  
"Malfoy."  
  
"Let's get this over with."  
  
"No duh."  
  
They worked in silence. Their potion seemed to look the best out of everyone elses; Harry and Pansy's potion was spitting up pink confetti, Neville and Millicent's was looking neon orange, and Ron and Blaise's potion was letting off a disgusting smell like a dirty pair of underwear. Nothing like the almost clear blue-ish potion that Hermione and Draco were getting, which was of course the correct one.  
  
Snape walked around to all the students, sneering at most of them, and thinking how wonderful it would be to watch them all get poisoned with the junk that they were producing. When he walked past Draco and Hermione's cauldron, he remained silent, not finding anything to criticize.  
  
At last, Snape addressed the class again.  
  
"Your potions should be a clear, slightly blue-tinted color. Which most of you don't seem to have, which isn't a surprise with your tiny, insignificent brains. I want each of you to fill a cup with your solution and drink it all. The effect should be immediate. Start," said Snape in his same, soft voice.  
  
Hermione and Draco did as asked, and after a moment's hesitation, each gulped down the glass.  
  
*****  
  
I'll continue soon! I appreciate all reviews. :) 


	4. Fluck it!

Disclaimer: Okay I'm tired of saying this. I didn't suddenly become creative one day and invent Harry Potter, as cool as I may seem (hahh), I don't own Harry Pottterrrr. I hope you know I'm kidding about the cool part.   
  
A/N: Hey thanks to all my awesome possum reviewers so far: Princess-Perfect, some13, crystalheart, moonynight, tinkerbell-06, catherine.  
  
Chapter 4 - Fluck it!  
  
Hermione immediately felt a cool, trickling sensation sweeping over her body. She could find all of Draco's thoughts now... But Draco attacked her brain first, probing into her mind, trying to find thoughts about him.  
  
'- didn't do Arithmacy homework yet -'  
  
'- need to send owl to mum-'  
  
'- Snape is evil -'  
  
'- Malfoy is a stupid git -'  
  
'- Malfoy needs to shrivel up and die -'  
  
'- I hate Malfoy -'  
  
'- Annoying prat -'  
  
Surprised at his findings, he turned to Hermione.  
  
"What - I can't believe - hold on a second," he muttered, eyebrows raised, "I didn't find anything about you thinking how hot I was or anything. Nothing about how you secretly love me... nothing..."  
  
"..Sorry?" Hermione asked, "Didn't catch all of that."  
  
"All the other fan fictions have it so that you secretly have feelings for me and that you think I'm hot and everything," Draco sighed, "This isn't fair."  
  
"Er what?"  
  
"YOU -" he gestured towards Hermione, "are supposed to actually have feelings for ME -" he waved at himself, "because all of the other fanfictions said so."  
  
"Well I guess I don't, eh?"  
  
"Guess not. This sucks. I don't like this story. EVERYBODY loves me."  
  
Hermione just rolled her eyes and started to poke around at Draco's thoughts. She found random thoughts about hating Harry and Ron, how he thought Crabbe and Goyle were too stupid to talk to, how he didn't do any homework for 2 weeks now, and how Hermione - hold on - a thought about herself. He had been debating with the voice inside his head - how stupid, she thought - about how he had the hots for her. Mortified, she immediately backed away.  
  
"Ew," she spat.  
  
'Oh no,' Draco thought hurredly, 'she must have encountered that debate with the voice inside my head, otherwise known as Alexander (the voice). Aughhhh -'  
  
Hermione was wiping at her head as thought to wipe away the disgusting thoughts of Malfoy even having those thoughts about her. Honestly, there was nothing more wrong than a Malfoy having feelings - she shuddered and looked at him with a look of great disgust.  
  
"Look, just forget that okay," Malfoy snapped, "it wasn't true anyways. Like I would EVER like you. You ugly Mudblood, don't even think that you would ever be good enough for ME."  
  
"You know what, Ferretboy," Hermione said calmly as Malfoy turned a shade of violet from the nickname, "you suck. I hate you, your arrogance, your huge head. I don't know HOW you manage to walk around lugging that gargantuan head of yours."  
  
Just then, the bell rang, and Hermione turned her heel and walked off.  
  
'Ugh, bitch,' he thought to himself.  
  
'Excuse me?' Hermione's thoughts interupted his.  
  
Draco jumped, forgetting that she could still listen to his thoughts.  
  
'What's wrong with you, Mudblood, you are defected in this story.'  
  
'Well it's not MY fault that this story SUCKS.'  
  
'That's the first time I'm ever agreeing with you.'  
  
'That's nice.'  
  
'Snape never said how long this would last...'  
  
'Weren't you listening?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'He said that one cup would last for 1 hour.'  
  
'Good, that'll end soon. I don't exactly need someone in my head right now. Alexander is enough.'  
  
'Who the hell is Alexander?'  
  
'Never mind.'  
  
'Whatever, I'll just go leafing through your brain then.'  
  
'Whatever.'  
  
'Okay.'  
  
And then there was silence. Hermione seemed to be leaving him alone now, and he was grateful for that. Draco walked silently along the corridors. He reached his next class, which was Charms. It was empty except for the tiny Professor Flitwick sitting at his desk.  
  
"Good morning, Mr Malfoy!" he squeaked, "Or rather, good noon." He chuckled.  
  
"What?... Anyways, am I early or something?"  
  
"Why yes, considering it's lunch right now!" said Professor Flitwick, smiling up at him.  
  
Crap.  
  
"Oh," said Draco, slightly embarrassed, "Er, bye." With that he marched towards the Great Hall.  
  
Just as he was about to sit down, a pair of rough looking 'man-hands' reached over him and covered his eyes. "Guess who!" came a shrilly, giggly voice.  
  
"Oh, fluck off, Parkinson. Leave me the fluck alone," snapped Draco menacingly.  
  
"Eh?" questioned Pansy, "What's fluck? Is that some new word that I haven't learned yet (along with the majority of the other ones)?"  
  
"No I just don't want to waste my swearwords on you."  
  
"Oh," Pansy said glumly, and she stuck out her lower lip and made what she thought to be 'cute' pouting noises. "But Drakie..." She leaned over, attempting to kiss him, but Draco took one of his books and smacked her in the face with it. Not enough to hurt. Much.  
  
"Drakie!" Pansy shrieked, "you- you - you're-"  
  
Draco never found out what he was, for he ran away from the shrieking freak as fast as he could, slipping in some pumpkin juice that Crabbe had deliberately spilled on the floor ("Look! It flows!"). He then had to try and duck from the cheese pellets that Peeves was throwing at the students. Grumbling and walking off with cheese stuck to his shoulder, he walked off to the Slytherin rooms, skipping lunch.  
  
On his way, he saw Hermione trudging around the Slytherin portrait hole.  
  
"What are you doing, dimwit?" Draco asked coolly.  
  
"None of your business, what I do," replied Hermione just as coldly.   
  
"It is when it's around here, Mudblood."  
  
"Just ziplock it."  
  
'The heck?' thought Draco, 'Ziplock it? Must be that horrid Muggle talk. Or maybe she just made it up or something...'  
  
She gave him a glare and stomped off in the opposite direction. He stared after her. For some odd, unknown reason, he was suddenly reminded of that Baracuda song from Charlie's Angels... He banged his head on the cool stone to clear his thoughts. Then, he entered the Slytherin common room, wondering what Hermione was doing around the door.  
  
*****  
  
Well. What a sucky chapter. Oh well oh well. Please give feedback!  
  
3 run and hide 


	5. Your Eyes Are Like the Setting Sun

Disclaimer: I OWN HARRY POTTER! Right. I wish. No, actually I don't.  
  
A/N: Thank you lovely reviewers:  
  
Grated Cheese - You are so strange you scare me. :)  
  
Princess of evil - I'm glad you found it funny. :)  
  
Sylvan Tears - Thanks for the critique, it's appreciated. Only, which cliches are you talking about?  
  
tinkerbell-06 - Thanks for the reviews :)  
  
Chapter 5 - Your Eyes Are Like the Setting Sun  
  
Just as Draco entered the common room, he tripped over his shoelaces and landed face-down on a candleholder. What the bloody hell was a candleholder doing on the floor? He did not know. But now was no time to think about that.  
  
"AUUUUUUUGGgghhh -" screamed Draco in agony, "THAT FUGGING HURTS LIKE FUGG!"  
  
He tried to bite down on his knuckles to ease some pain, but it was then that he realized he had no teeth to bite with, as they were knocked out from his mouth from the impact of the fall. Screaming and cursing, he ran to the Hospital Wing crying for his grandmother.  
  
Meanwhile, back in the Slytherin common room, a play-group consisting of Millicent Bulstrode, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy Parkinson, had looks of horror upon their contorted faces.  
  
"Next time we should use something else to play dominos..."   
  
In the Gryffindor common room, Hermione was finishing up her Arithmacy homework while Ron and Harry were having a go at wizard chess. Hermione, tired of her friends' squeals of joy when one of them captured the other's piece, bid them goodnight and headed towards the girls dormatories. Ron gave a distracted grunt and continued to stare intently at the chess board. That night, Hermione had a nice dream in which Snape, Dumbledore, and Voldemort were linked arms and skipping jovially through a flower-filled meadow. She woke up just when Voldemort suggested a game of strip poker. Blindly, she headed towards the bathrooms. Unfortunately... the wrong bathrooms. Hermione finally realized she was in the boys bathroom after seeing a few guys staring incredously back at her, some smirking.   
  
Dammit.  
  
"I was ... just, er, checking to see... if ... my friend, uh, was in, er, here. She, ah, really likes to hide in the boys bathrooms when we play, uh, hide n go seek," Hermione finished lamely, and she ran quickly out of there.  
  
While running around madly, confused and embarrassed from her encounter with the guys, she ran smack into someone and the person toppled over. She peered cautiously at him... his face was quite bandaged.  
  
"Oh my gosh," she gasped, "I'm so sorry. So sorry so sorry..." she trailed off as she realized who it was. "Malfoy."  
  
The bandaged face looked back at her.  
  
"Don't ask..." he turned and left, Hermione only hearing something about candleholders.  
  
'He's raving mad,' Hermione thought to herself, 'at least he's loads better looking with the bandages. *scoff*'  
  
The rest of the day passed quite uneventfully. In Muggle Studies, the teacher forced them all to run track laps, to show them aspects of Physical Education in the Muggle world. Some people were lazy so the teacher set a pack of rabid hounds after the students, which made them all run considerably faster.  
  
Days went by... soon it was snowing outside and Christmas was drawing nearer. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were walking to Herbology, and so they trudged slowly across the snow laden grounds. Hermione was wearing her new 8 foot scarf that had ducks on them.   
  
"So, you guys," Hermione said, "what do you want for Christmas this year? I find Christmas shopping quite difficult nowadays... the fads are changing ever so quickly. Also, I have this suspicion that you two didn't really like the homework planners I gave you guys last year..."  
  
"Oh no Hermione," said Ron quickly, "we loved them."  
  
"Oh really."  
  
"...Er yeah."  
  
"Right... I'm sure you liked them, as you wrote in them a whole two times."  
  
"It's the thought that counted," Ron mumbled quickly as they reached their destination.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes, sighed, and remained silent.  
  
Draco Malfoy sauntered over to them, with that well known sneer on his face. He was just about to open his mouth and say his daily insult when Hermione interupted.   
  
"You're ugly."  
  
Draco, severely shocked at her interuption and randomness, shut his mouth and walked off with Crabbe and Goyle, whom were gurgling something in their mouths.  
  
Christmas morning eventually came, and Harry woke up to find a good-sized pile near the foot of his bed. He opened it and found a figure molded from clay from Dobby (he later found that the figure was supposed to be him), a whole bunch of assorted candy from Ron, a new turquoise sweater with a lightening bold on it from Mrs. Weasely, a shoelace from the Dursleys, and a couple of informative books from Hermione. She had also included a note that told him to use the books for a bit of light reading at times before sleeping. There were also other gifts from other people, but the author did not feel like listing them.  
  
In the girl's dormatories, Hermione was opening her presents when an owl tapped outside her window. Hurrying over, she opened the window and let the poor, cold owl inside. She stroked his beak and took the note from it. The owl immediately flew off and after closing the window, she sat down on her bed to read it.  
  
The letter was from Draco. In it were his confessions of his love to her, how he couldn't hold it in anymore, and how he was so madly in love with her for so long, and various pickup lines here and there. There were also hearts drawn all around the writing. And also some cheesy compliments stuck in random spots ("Your eyes, are like the setting sun. Your hair is like a willow tree, billowing in the breeze." Brownie points to Draco for trying to sound poetic) At the end of the paper, he had put "Go out with me... please?" Very amused, Hermione turned the paper around, wrote "No" and started walking towards the Owlery.  
  
Later, she found out that the whole "love confession" thing was a dare, except that Draco had forced his idiot friend Crabbe to dare him that. Crabbe, being too stupid to think anything of that, agreed and repeated the dare after Draco said it for him. ("Okay, Crabbe, repeat after me. Draco, I dare you to write a love note to Hermione and ask her out in it.")  
  
Weird folks there are in this world...  
  
*****  
  
Right then. Er... review? I like reviews. Yeah... have you guys noticed that my story makes no sense, really? And how it's really random? Yup. 


	6. Maze

Disclaimer: Not mine...  
  
A/N: Thanks Grated Cheese, Pink Garfield, and Got Homework (hi), nocturnal-anonymous (hands you a whole jar of cookies), megan (thanks for the idea, it actually seems pretty good :]), tinkerbell-06 (thanks for being a great reviewer), Grated Cheese (drop the Draco thing? *gasp* But then I'd have nothing to write about if it was all random funny stuff), Sylvan Tears (dang thanks for the long comment and stuff, very appreciated).  
  
Cookies and peaches for everyone!   
  
*****  
  
Chapter 6 - Maze  
  
Snow was falling silently as Hermione woke up on the day after Christmas. It looked absolutely gorgeous outside; the ground covered with soft, fluffy snow... Trees and shrubs coated with a light layer of white powder... The lake looked great for skating on... It was all so beautiful. Hermione propped herself up on her bed and just spent a few moments admiring the loveliness of winter. Everything was looking peaceful outside, that is, until she saw some large figure fall off a tree, landing on the ground with a thump. Most of the snow on the tree shook off, and it looked quite odd - like something sticking out on a white piece of paper. She peered closely and realized that the large figure was Hagrid, and he seemed to be holding... a banana. For what... that was for him to know and us to find out...  
  
Suddenly, Parvati barged into her room, squealing excitedly, as the people in Hermione's room began stirring and mumbling in protest.  
  
"Omigosh Hermione, you guys, I heard that we are doing something special today, as a post-Christmas activity. It's like a maze of some sort... we get to go through a maze omigosh omigosh!"  
  
"Er yay..."  
  
The other girls, after listening for a few seconds, decided what Parvati had to say was nothing of importance and went back to sleep. Parvati, somewhat insulted by the lack of response, walked out of the room with indignant air. Hermione just made some sort of grunting noise and started picking out clothes for the day. She had quite improved her wardrobe this year... going shopping multiple times at the muggle stores gave her closet a nice stuffing. She probed at her stuff... there was a gray 3/4 sleeve shirt with a pink star on it, a white, tight fitting shirt with the letter "T", a small, cute black t-shirt with "Joe's Coffee Shop" written on it in blue ... She chose instead a slim-fitting black 3/4 shirt. She put on a pair of stonewashed jeans, threw on a hoodie, put on some chapstick, and headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast.  
  
When see reached the bottom of the stairs, however, she realized that the Great Hall had been indeed transformed into a big maze. Towering walls draped in white silk zigzagged around, and as Hermione stood there, gazing at it, several clumps of students gathered at the bottom of the stairs, obviously as awestruck as she.   
  
There was a sign posted nearby, and Hermione read it (what else would you do with a sign). It explained that the maze was sort of just for fun, and you had to go through it to get your breakfast. The sign also stated that there would be 'surprises' inside the maze...  
  
'How utterly lame and pointless,' Hermione thought to herself, 'All this for a breakfast? Really, SOMEONE had too much time on their hands.' And with that she marched into one of the entrances into the maze.  
  
Harry and Ron clumbered down to the Great Hall just as Hermione entered the maze.  
  
"Whoopdeedoo," muttered Ron, after regaining himself from tripping over his shoelaces and landing on the floor, "Let's go come on."  
  
"Yeah, but," said Harry timidly, "Don't you want to read the sign first? It might be something ... (pause) (dramatic gesture)... dangerous."  
  
"Yes, and Snape is slow dancing with Hagrid," said Ron sarcastically, but then he realized this wasn't such a good sarcastic remark as it confused Harry. Anyway.  
  
Pulling Harry by the ear, Ron walked calmly into one of the entrances.  
  
The inside looked less splendid than the outside. From the inside, it looked like the walls were made of cheap cardboard and the white silk was actually several bedsheets pinned together by clothes pins. The two boys had a great time making a few jeering remarks about the cheapness of the maze. There were several fake plastic statues standing here and there, each holding a weapon of some sort. Harry and Ron were just nearing the end of the maze (it was quite... easy... as there was no chance for wrong turns due to the fact that there WAS only one route for each entrance *cough*lame*cough*) Harry was bored. He decided to punch one of the statues just for the heck of it.  
  
"Hey Ron," grinned Harry stupidly, "watch me punch him"  
  
Harry punched the statue in the stomach.  
  
The statue grunted and doubled over, and using his pitchfork, made several stabbing movements at Ron and Harry.  
  
"Oh my god," squeaked Harry, "it's effing alive! The effing statue is effing alive!"  
  
"Oh my god," Ron gasped, "Ohhh we are so sorry we are so sorry we thought you were a statue..."  
  
The 'statue' was still hunched over, clutching his stomach and twitching.   
  
The boys ran out of the maze.  
  
Later, the boys found out that the 'statue' had been Professor Snape. They were happy that they had the great luck of punching him in the stomach, but they feared that Snape may poison them in Potions. Oh well. The thought of using physical violence against the Potions master gave great satisfaction to Harry and Ron.  
  
When potions time came, the potions got mixed up and Neville and Hermione got poisoned instead.  
  
Oh well, thought Professor Snape, those two are good as well.  
  
*****  
  
Ayaya... not very good, eh. Oh and just a note if you're curious... a lot of the stuff I write about actually happened in real life. That's how I think up the ridiculous events. 


	7. Frog Legs are Romantic

Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter. And I also own 5 Mercedes, 20 million-dollar houses, 92 turtles and 14 washing machines. Just kidding (if you didn't get my oh-so-funny joke).  
  
A/N: Thank you Grated Cheese & friends (... butt obsession??), fluff, lexy, crystal369, sylvan tears, tinkerbell-06.  
  
*Is running out of peaches and cookies.*  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 7 - Frog legs are romantic  
  
"Harry," said Ron, "let's go visit Hermione in the hospital wing. And Neville, but we don't care about him."  
  
"Okay Ron, my best friend, let's go."  
  
Ron and Harry headed towards the Hospital Wing, and on the way were met by none other than their best friend Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Hi best friends, Harry and Ron!" exclaimed Draco cheerfully, "May I join you on your expedition?"  
  
"Yes you may , best buddy Draco!"  
  
And the three linked arms and skipped jovially down the hall.  
  
Draco woke up, shuddering from the horrible, yet creepily realistic dream he just had. He was associating himself with Booger and Pooface (new nicknames)? He got up wearily, scratched his butt, adjusted his neon pink boxers, and tiptoed barefoot across the hard marble floor (he had the floor custom done because he had way too much money on his hands).   
  
Damn. It was cold.  
  
His foot stuck to the floor. He couldn't move it. It was like licking a pole in the middle of January, and your tongue just stuck there. But this time it was his foot, not tongue... anyway, whatever. Goyle walked past him, grunted, and the two engaged in an intellectual conversation about space rockets. How delighting.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were dining happily in the Great Hall for breakfast, chatting animatedly about the latest Quidditch news, latest Dumbledore/McGonagall gossip, and the latest Snape/Trelawny gossip, which was indeed, very very disturbing. And very detailed. But we won't get into that. Suddenly, amongst the knives and forks clinking, there was a distinctive "ribbit" noise in the background. Wide eyed, Ron stared around them.  
  
"Bloody hankerchief, did you hear that, mate?" whispered Ron in total shock.  
  
Harry looked up, bits of bacon stuck up his nose. "... No?"  
  
"Listen."  
  
*Ribbit. Crick. uh... Flop. Ribbbiiiittttt. Croak.*  
  
"Oh that," said Harry nonchalantly, "that's probably just Malfoy singing."  
  
They threw their heads back and laughed stupidly.  
  
Meanwhile.... back to Malfoy. He was still standing on the cold floor, feeling quite naked, wondering what on earth he was supposed to do. Aha! His wand. He reached over for it, and tried to pry his foot loose with the wand. After 2 hours of agony, he finally remembered HEY he could do magic! And then he set his poor frozen foot free with a simple warming spell. He then proceded to limp over to the hospital wing. Still in his lovely, brightly-colored, attractive boxers...  
  
He reached the hospital wing. He saw Hermione there.... sleeping. Ah, how angelic she looked, sleeping peacefully like that. Draco tiltled his head to get the full effect.  
  
Suddenly Hermione let out a loud snore.  
  
Horrified, Draco ran away, trying to find Madame Pomfrey to treat his now defrosted foot. His foot was fixed in no time, and Draco was soon free to wander down to the Great Hall for lunch.  
  
Pandemonium was raging about. Frogs jumped everywhere, leaping into drinks and depositing unidentifyable waste into plates of food. Girls shrieked, guys tried to be manly by battling the frogs but then burst into tears and ran off to sulk in the corner, picking their noses wondering what went wrong. Everyone was forced back into their proper common rooms, while the house elves waddled about, catching frogs for that night's dinner. (Yummm frog legs, haha just kidding) The house elves did in fact manage to catch all the frogs, but they were having a bit of a problem trying to cook them, and they kept trying to escape from having their legs cut off.  
  
Dinner time came, and everyone had frog legs for dinner... Draco decided to bring up some frog legs for Hermione in the hospital wing. But that was wrong. This calls for another battle of internal disagreements with Alexander, the voice inside his head.   
  
'You love Hermione!' said Alexander calmly.  
  
'No I don't.' thought Draco back.  
  
'Then why are you bringing frog legs to her?'  
  
'So....?!'  
  
'It's tradition that if you bring frog legs to someone, you love them. It's very romantic.'  
  
'Yeah, that sounds SO romantic.'  
  
With that Draco headed up to the hospital wing to hand to her his very romantic gift.  
  
*****  
  
And that's all folks. For now. Much thanks to Grated Cheese for her lovely ideas about the frogs. 


	8. A Realization!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
A/N: Thanks FirePyro (thanks for so many reviews!), Grated Cheese, tinkerbell-06 (ahah yes in neon pink boxers), Fluff (i 3 your fic), Sylvan Tears, ShE wHo EaTs To MuCh for reviewing.  
  
*****   
  
Chapter 8 - A Realization!  
  
Draco stealthily tiptoed into the Hospital Wing, making sure no one saw him. How was he to explain this situation to anyone? Creeping around sick people with a plate of frog legs? He quickly scanned the room for a sign of Hermione. Neville was tossing around in his bed, flailing his arms around and sputtering. Must be something in that poison. He saw Hermione sitting upright, reading a Geometry textbook.  
  
"Hermione?" Draco began shyly, "I've got -"  
  
"Shut up, eh?! I'm learning about parallel lines," Hermione said distractedly.  
  
Draco gasped. How dare she talk to him like that? Like he didn't even matter? Why, he was risking so much just to bring her the damn legs.  
  
"Fine, don't thank me," Draco said angrily, tossing the plate on her nightstand. He turned around, attempting to leave.  
  
Hermione grabbed his hand.  
  
"Heehee," grinned Draco, "you're holding my hand. Heehee."  
  
"Er, yeah I am. Anyway, what are the frog legs for?"  
  
"To... eat...?"  
  
"Yes I KNOW they are to eat, but WHY?"   
  
"Well obviously if you're hungry you eat..."  
  
"I KNOW WHY I WOULD EAT!"  
  
"So there you go."  
  
"Gaaahhh! You are SO frustrating!" screamed Hermione.  
  
"Oh my... I think I should leave now..." Draco said, eyes wide.  
  
"Yes I think that may be a good idea!"  
  
With that Hermione took the plate and started chucking the legs at him, while he ran out, cursing and waving his arms about.   
  
It was Transfiguration, and the class was trying to change their birds into leaves. It was quite disgusting, and everyone had to wear hats to not get pooped on. A few exchange students had come to visit for awhile.  
  
Ron was concentrating hard on trying to hold his bird down and to change it.  
  
"Mm... Aimes-tu Britney Spears?" asked the exchange student next to him, obviously from Beauxbatons.  
  
"No ..." answered Ron, not really knowing what she had said.  
  
"Oh. Then you are stupid. Just like your face," she replied, cringing from the lame insult.  
  
Ron's eyes widened and brimmed with tears. He gasped and ran out the door, sobbing. He ran into Draco, who was still mad about the whole Hermione thing. Ron, sobbing uncontrollably, clung on to Draco and bawled on his shoulder.  
  
"Oof - ah, er..."  
  
*Sob sob sob*  
  
"Uh, Weasley, get off me - augh stop clawing at my back - stop stop - "  
  
But Ron wouldn't let go.  
  
Meanwhile, Hermione, all cured from her poisoning, walked down the hall. She saw Ron clinging to Draco. She gasped.  
  
"Uh... you guys?" she called out tentatively, not wanting to spoil their *moment*.  
  
Draco whirled around. "Granger! It's not as it seems!"  
  
"Yes it is yes it is!" bawled Ron, in a state of dilusion.  
  
Hermione walked away. That was shocking. 


	9. Snape's Secret

Disclaimer: Not mine.  
  
A/N: Thank you ur best friend (sadly, I don't know who my "best friend" is.), grated cheese, AdGe, Sylvan Tears, FirePyro, moony night for reviewing. And I also must say that I have nothing against gay people in advance before anyone starts jumping on me accusing me of being against gays.  
  
*Bonus cookies and peaches to everyone*  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 9 - Snape's Secret  
  
Hermione headed back towards the Gryffindor common room. She replayed the moment inside her head. Ron ... sobbing on the shoulder of Draco Malfoy... they were, well, EMBRACING, no? She gasped. Were they gay and she didn't even know?  
  
She learned new things everyday.  
  
But most of them were from books or whatnot.  
  
Dismissing the horrid realization, Hermione once again began to study her Geometry.  
  
Meanwhile, Draco was trying to pry and unusually strong-gripped Ron off of him.  
  
"Look what you made happen! Now Hermione thinks that I'm gay ... with you!"  
  
Ron gasped.   
  
"What would EVER make her think that?" he asked, still teary-eyed and hugging Draco tightly.  
  
"Well, I don't know, what do you suppose?" answered Draco sarcastically, "Now get the hell off me you stupid baboon!"  
  
Ron sadly let go and walked away, muttering how it wasn't HIS fault that he was emotionally unstable.  
  
Professor Snape sat in his desk, in the empty Potions room. His next class was still a good 30 minutes away. Looking around, making sure no one was there, he quickly dove into his desk and took out ...  
  
Barbie, Ken, and their friends.  
  
He never told anyone, nor did anyone know, but Professor Snape had a strange liking for Barbie and dolls. He liked to brush Barbie's hair. Maybe that's why he kept his sort of lengthy... maybe that's why he kept staring at Professor Dumbledore's long beard... Anyway. Today Snape pretended that Barbie and her friends were going to the beach.  
  
"Hey Barbie!" he said in his best *Ken-like* voice.  
  
"Hey Ken!" (high-pitched squeal)  
  
"Want to go to the beach?" (Low *Ken-voice*)  
  
"Oka --  
  
Hermione burst into the potions room, wanting to ask some questions about their next assignment. She caught a very shocked-looking Snape holding Barbie in one hand, Ken in the other, wide-eyed, and very surprised. Snape quickly disguised his surprised-look with his usual snarl, and said very coolly, "I confiscated these from some idiots in my last class."  
  
'Right,' thought Hermione, 'And that's why I heard you acting out the beach scene.'  
  
'Hmm,' thought Snape hurredly, 'She doesn't seem to buy it. Better zap her and make sure no one finds out.'  
  
Snape zapped Hermione.  
  
Hermione fell over. Snape moved Hermione into the Hospital Wing with a simple spell.  
  
"Whew," sighed Snape, "That was a close one."  
  
With that, he resumed the beach scene, this time with Ken asking Barbie AND her friends to go to the beach with him.  
  
Draco strided down the corridors, swaying his shoulders, with his pals Crabbe and Goyle, whom were acting like bodyguards: Arms crossed, head down, with a sinister expression on their waxy faces. Draco was on a mission to explain to Hermione that he WASN'T gay, and that he, well, sort of liked - didn't hate her as much as before.  
  
*****  
  
Sorry that was so short, but I can't write much now. I must study for finals. I don't know when the next update will be; maybe real soon, or maybe real later. Who knows. Anyways, thanks to everyone who reads this. 


	10. Foootball!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter...  
  
A/N: Thanks Grated Cheese, FirePyro, Black Slytherin Girl, Sylvan Tears, AdGe.  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 10 - Foootball!  
  
After many hours of tedious searching, Draco finally found Hermione sitting on a Hospital Wing bed, looking extremely agitated. She was trying desperately to tell Madam Pomfrey that she had seen Snape playing with barbies, so Snape had zapped her. Madam Pomfrey kept chuckling and telling her that this was all part of the effects of tripping and falling unconscious. Hermione started screaming in frustration and Madam Pomfrey just gave another chuckle, patted Hermione on the head, told her to go to sleep, and walked away.  
  
'So Snape plays with Barbies, eh?' thought Draco amusedly, 'That explains a lot...'  
  
"Yo, Hermie," rapped Draco, trying to seem *cool*.  
  
Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Uh, Malfoy?.."  
  
"Yo, I jess' wanna to tell yo that I izza NOT a fag. ... Yo."  
  
  
  
"Uh... okay..."  
  
"And... yo... yo izz damn tite. Yo."  
  
"What the hell? You're crazy!"  
  
Dissapointed, Draco turned around and left, mentally taking note that Hermione did NOT like him rapping to her. He saw Crabbe and Goyle standing by the door, arms flexed, in the middle of an intense staring contest. Feeling extremely dull, he reached in his pocket and threw a Knut at Goyle's head.  
  
*Doink* So his head really was empty.  
  
Goyle, enraged after feeling the coin hit his head, spinned around and yelled, "Who done dat?!" He then faced Crabbe.  
  
"You hit me with that coin, DIDN'T you?" asked Goyle angrily.  
  
"What coin?" Crabbe answered, puzzled.  
  
"THE coin!" yelled Goyle, frustrated.  
  
"I don't see no coin, doofus!"  
  
"The one next to your feet, baboon!"  
  
Crabbe, finally seeing the coin, bent over and picked it up.  
  
"Oh this coin."  
  
"Yah, that coin. You hit me with it!"  
  
"No, you hit ME with it!" Crabbe yelled, still confused at Goyle's anger.  
  
"I didn't hit you with it! I'm saying YOU hit ME with it!" Goyle yelled back, pointing a stubby finger at the knut that Crabbe was holding.  
  
"Well it's mine!"  
  
"No it's not!" grunted Goyle, apparently forgetting about being hit with the coin.  
  
Then the two engaged in a fist fight to see who would win the coin.  
  
Draco walked away unnoticed, taking another mental note to find new friends. While strutting past the Slytherin portrait hole, he noticed a sign posted on the wall. The sign said:  
  
"Come and play the muggle sport, Football!   
  
Football is a competitive sport, with special uniforms that make your shoulders look bigger. A big plus for those who want to look more macho! Tryouts tonight at the Quidditch field! - Sponsered by Muggle Studies."  
  
The sign also had a picture of miniature football players tackling and running around.  
  
Eyebrows raised, Draco nodded his head.  
  
'A good idea,' he thought, 'Maybe Hermione will think better of me then. Heehee.'  
  
It was night time, and Draco walked down to the Quidditch field. A bunch of nervous looking guys stood around. All of them looked like nerds who would fall down when the wind blew. Anyways... sighing, he went down and joined them.  
  
Weeks of intensive football training later....  
  
"Okay," yelled Coach Smith, a lady who used to be a nun, "I see sometimes on TV - muggle invention - that in the beginning of games, the team runs through this banner or something and the crowd cheers. I guess it promotes team spirit? Anyways. It looks hard, so we're going to practice that today."  
  
Two guys stood some distance apart, each holding an end to a very long and big parchment.   
  
The rest of the team stood behind the parchment, getting ready to run through it.  
  
"Oh boy, I'm so nervous," whispered the guy next to Draco.  
  
'His breath stinks...'  
  
"Oh shut up, eh," said Draco as he rolled his eyes.  
  
"Oh my count, you will run through the parchment! Make it look good." said Coach Smith in a bored tone, "One two three Go."  
  
The boys ran, some tripping over their shoelaces. Some that didn't trip over their shoelaces tripped over the ones who tripped over the shoelaces. The ones that DID make it to the parchment didn't run through it, but instead tripped over it, screaming in agony "AUGH PAPERCUTTT!!" Draco was one of the papercut boys. He looked up, hearing roars of laughter from the stands.  
  
Hermione, Harry, Ron and a bunch of other people were throwing their heads back and laughing themselves stupid.  
  
Draco, very very embarassed, ran away.  
  
"Hahahahha did you see him?" gasped Harry between guffaws, "He was so pathetic!"  
  
"Heeheehee!" snorted Hermione, tears running down her face.  
  
"Oh ho ho ho! I can't believe he's part of that! How sad!" choked Ron.  
  
"Hey wait a minute," said Harry, an eyebrow raised, "Ron, didn't you try out? But they kicked you off the team because you were afraid of being tackled? Hhah-"  
  
"Shut up," muttered Ron, and he punched Harry in the head.  
  
  
  
Harry: XD  
  
"Oh, I'm sure he had a reason," smiled Hermione, defending Ron.  
  
Ron beamed.  
  
"Reason my ass," muttered Harry, smirking, "I know you're doing this because of Looo-oona...."  
  
Ron flushed a brilliant shade of crimson red.  
  
"Luna?" asked Hermione, "You mean THE Luna?"  
  
"Hee, yeah, THE Luna. The one that brought coloring books onto the train in the beginning of the year."  
  
"Heehee!" chuckled Hermione, "Ron loves Luna!"  
  
With that, Hermione and Harry stood up and began chanting the "Ron and Luna, sitting in a tree" song, circling around a very embarassed Ron.  
  
*****  
  
Forgive me for horrible updates. I'm really tired. :p Well that's my excuse for writing horribly, anyways. 


	11. I Love You Draco

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or anything to do with it. A/N: Thanks to all the reviewers. you know who you are, and I'm too lazy to write it all right now. Heh. 

***** 

Chapter 11 - I Love You Draco 

A few days later, Draco was pacing about in his room, scowling and muttering under his breath. Crabbe had ruined his ingenious plan. Draco had made a special love potion - although it sounds very corny - and put the potion cleverly inside a cookie. So whoever ate the cookie would fall madly in love with the nearest person. And Draco fully intended to be that person standing next to Hermi - er, the person. (His popular-ness had plunged horribly after the football incident.) 

Anyway, as he finished making the cookie, even adding a demented face on it, he folded his arms behind his head and congratulated himself on the brilliant idea. Really, he was the unluckiest person in the world; when he looked around, he saw the rest of the world, but when the rest of the world looked around, they saw him. 

But Crabbe had to come poking in his room, looking for food (again). 

Seeing the cookie, Crabbe lunged at it with moves that would make military commanders proud. Triumphantly, he whooped a victory cry, and the rest happened in slow motion. 

Crabbe had his mouth wide open, about to stuff the cookie in. 

Draco screamed. And tried to grab the cookie, but alas, he was too late. 

The cookie was already in Crabbe's mouth, being crunched and chewed, a look of pure victory and satisfaction upon his face. 

Draco looked like someone had come by and clunked him on the head with a fire extinguisher. 

Instantly, a glazed look covered Crabbe's face. He turned to Draco and said seductively (whilst winking), "How you doin'?" 

Draco gasped. 

The next few minutes passed with Draco screaming bloody murder and running frantically in circles while Crabbe chased him, shouting "C'mere, honeybuns!" or "Smoochiepie!" Draco finally blasted Crabbe out his room, slammed the door and latched it with a spell. 

Now, as he paced about his room, he could hear Crabbe murmuring love proclamations and scratching at the door. Draco waited several hours before he could hear Crabbe's distinctive snores, and tiptoed out of the room. Perhaps he would go down to the kitchens...grab a little something to eat. On the way, he just _happened_ to run into Hermione. Putting on his best smirk, Draco threw his shoulders back and prepared to strut his stuff. 

"Yo, Hermi," rapped Draco smoothly. 

Hermione gave him an incredulous look. 

_Oh yeah. She doesn't like me rapping._

Draco cleared his throat. "Evening, Granger." 

"What do you want, Malfoy? If it's more rapping or, or frog legs or fish gills or whatever, I don't want it." 

"Hey, I was drunk," sputtered Draco. 

Hermione snorted. "Drunk, my foot." 

"Well I suppose you would know!" retorted Draco. 

"That didn't make sense." 

"Doesn't make sense your mom." 

"Oh god," sighed Hermione, "not more of those 'your mom' retorts, please." 

"How about uncles then?" 

"How about getting out of my face?" 

(Oh, that hurt.) 

"How about going over to my place?" asked Draco, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

Hermione looked taken aback. 

"Uh, no." 

Draco was disappointed, but recovered quickly. "Well I wasn't serious you know." 

"Right.." 

"Yeah! Because. I'm better than you! I'm cooler, more loved." 

"Yeah, and that's why you made a love potion and put it inside a cookie," snorted Hermione. 

Draco turned purpley. 

"And how did you find out?" 

"I hope you do know that news about Crabbe telling everyone that he loves you is quite well known?" 

There was an uncomfortable silence as Draco pondered what to say back to that. 

"I'm still better than you," said Draco haughtily. 

"Really, you moron, you are the most conceited, stupidest person in the world." 

"How silly," said Draco, "you've met everyone in the world?" 

"Rahhh!" screamed Hermione in rage. She couldn't think of anything to do to him, so she gave him a swift kick. She reeled back in surprise as she realized Malfoy was doubling over with pain. 

She wanted to kick him in the shins... but apparently she aimed too high. 

***** 

Ouch. This chapter, along with the others, sucked pretty badly. I blame it all upon me being tired and idea-less! *References to 2 Weeks Notice and To Kill A Mockingbird. 


	12. Flamboyant

Disclaimer: Harry Potter = not mine.  
  
*****  
  
Chapter 12 - Flamboyant.  
  
The love potion had eventually worn off, but the story behind it had not. As Draco made his way to Transfiguration, he saw two little 2nd years giggling and staring at him.  
  
"Look, Humphrey, there's the guy who tried to seduce his best friend!"  
  
Humphrey took one look at the "flamboyant homosexual" and starting laughing with such enthusiasm that tears started rolling down his face; he was slapping his knees clutching his stomach with the other hand, laughing so hard he ran out of breath and his chuckles became wheezes and soundless gasps for air.  
  
Draco raised his eyebrows, and walked calmly to Humphrey and his friend.  
  
"What do you want, mister, are you about to hit on ME too?!" Humphrey's friend gloated with his clever line and looked at the gathering audience with a laugh.  
  
"I want you to shut the fuck up and stop spreading those damn rumors that aren't true, just so you can make your little shit self feel better."  
  
(Crowd goes 'ooohhhh' at the comeback. Eyes shift to Humphrey's friend.)  
  
The friend does his stupid little look-at-audience-with-laugh thing and says to Draco, "HAH. Okay, what will you give me?" asked the friend, thinking along the monetary path.  
  
"Hmm," said Draco with mock-thoughtfulness, putting his hand on his chin and looking upwards, "How about... I give you the finger -" Draco flicked him off "- and a little something to guarantee that you'll never have to visit the dentist again -" Draco punched the guy squarely in the mouth "- and you just shut up for once?"  
  
(Crowd gasps)  
  
No one bothered Draco again about being gay. Humphrey's friend cried for a very long time.  
  
Slowly, with the help of his charm, Draco finally got his popularity back. He started once again to become his arrogant, self-loving self, strutting the halls as if he owned them and bowling through crowds if he needed to get through. Girls once again starting swooning and fainting wherever he passed. Because of course, girls always like the 'bad boys'. And Draco has to become popular again because I say so.  
  
It was spring, and spring meant the spring dance. Okay, maybe not, but indeed, there is going to be a spring dance.   
  
"So, Ron ... are you going to the dance?" asked Harry.  
  
"Eh, I don't know..." answered Ron indecisively.  
  
"I think you should go."  
  
Ron looked at Harry.  
  
"Not with me, of course," Harry added quickly.  
  
Ron titled his head and smiled.  
  
Harry ran away.  
  
Draco, meanwhile, was parading the halls again, swaying his shoulders macho-ly. Everyone fainted. Even guys. Because everyone lubzz Drakie. Seeing Hermione, he did this weird tongue-clucking thing and winked roguishly at her. With his best seductive voice, he said, "I'll be seeing YOU later."  
  
  
  
Hermione felt the need to barf. Laughing stupidly, she left the scene of girls staring with jealousy at her.  
  
Later on, Draco finally met with Hermione again.  
  
"Hermione, dahling ... what a coincidence for us to meet."  
  
Hermione snorted.   
  
"Some coincidence, you and your stupid baboons practically cornered me into into here."  
  
"I won't argue with you about the baboon part, but yeah..."  
  
"I wonder why you hang out with such stupid idiots? Why doesn't the hunkster Drakie-kins hang out with cooler people? Oh yeah, Slytherin doesn't have any."  
  
Draco stared. "You just called me a hunkster."  
  
Hermione stared back. "No I didn't."  
  
"Yes you did, you said 'hunkster Drakie-kins'," responded Draco with a smug smile.  
  
"No I meant -"  
  
"I know what you mean," said Draco with this time an evil smile, "YOU like me...."  
  
Hermione started chuckling at the absurdity of the idea.  
  
"Now THAT'S got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"  
  
"You can't deny it, Granger, YOU called me a hunkster, which means you liiiiiike meee...!"  
  
Hermione began laughing more loudly now, she couldn't BELIEVE how stupid Malfoy was...   
  
They both fell to the floor (for some reason), one laughing with almost-frustration and another one laughing with evil triumph.  
  
It was just then that a breathless Harry and Ron came bursting into the room, only to be met by Hermione and Draco on the floor. Alone.  
  
"Well they seem to be having fun," muttered Ron.  
  
"Hermione," announced Harry.  
  
Hermione stopped laughing immediately, cleared her throat and looked around. Man, this situation looked very wrong. What was she doing on the floor with .. Malfoy of all people?  
  
"Hermione," said Harry again, this time suspiciously, "is there something we don't know?"  
  
"Something you should tell us?" finished Ron with one eyebrow raised.  
  
"Well, no -" began Hermione, "Even though I'm on the floor, with Malfoy, alone in a classroom, nothing has happened!"  
  
"Suuuuree nothing has happened," said Draco wickedly.  
  
"Shut up moron!"  
  
"Teehee."  
  
"Dude, you guys, Harry, Ron, I'm NOT sleeping with Malfoy!" stammered Hermione, not very convincingly.  
  
"Of course not," said Harry dully.  
  
"Aughhhhhh - damn it -" Hermione kicked Draco with frustration.  
  
"Bah, you keep kicking me!"  
  
"It's not my fault you're so kickable!"  
  
"Hmm... kickable sounds like lickable!"  
  
"You sick freak!" Hermione started marching away.  
  
"Waiiit - I forgot to ask you to the dance!"  
  
"You don't have to, the answer is no."  
  
"Well why not?" asked Draco.  
  
"Well ... why .. so?"  
  
"Because you don't have a reason not to!"  
  
"I do! ... Because... Uh, HARRY's going with me!"  
  
"I am?" asked Harry with bewilderment.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh."  
  
*****  
  
Dude, that was a weird chapter. And right now, I feel like I'm writing to amuse myself. Where are the reviews? :( I'm not going to become all bitchy and demand them by yelling at you all, and threatening not to update until I get 500 reviews for this chapter. I'm not ever going to say 500 reviews or no update, but still. Leave a review! I don't care what you say. It could be a real review, or a joke, or a recital of the alphabet. Heh, actually, just say something related to the story. Thanks. 


	13. Sac of Mangoes

**NOTE: CHAPTER 1 HAS BEEN COMPLETELY REWRITTEN. GO SEE.**

Chapter 13 - Sac of Mangoes 

"Wait a second," said Harry while walking in the halls with Ron, "What just happened?" 

Ron sighed. "Harry are you _completely_ stupid?" 

"Uh..." 

"_Anyway_. Basically, we just caught our best friend rolling around on the floor with a potential rapist, and she asked you to the dance. Nothing big, really," answered Ron. 

Harry was wide-eyed. "... _No._" 

Ron looked sympathetically at Harry. "Yeah, I know, sorry mate..." 

"No ... no.. it's not that. It's just..." 

"Yes I know, but we'll get through this together, okay?" 

"NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND -" 

"Well, obviously not, I didn't just get asked to the dance by Hermione -" 

"_I have nothing to wear you moron!_" 

_Pin drops_. 

"Oh." 

A few days later, Harry enters the Gryffindor common room, and spots Hermione sitting by the fire, apparently writing something. 

"Hello," croaked Harry. He clears his throat. _Nothing to worry about. It's just your best friend. Even if you_ are _ going to the dance with her._

"Hi." 

"So... uh, what are you writing?" 

"Oh just a new book of mine." 

_So now she writes books. That's... nice..._

"... And it's about?" inquired Harry. 

"Some Puerto Rican basketball players who get stranded in the middle of snowy mountains, who get rescued by some guy on a donkey holding a sac of mangoes." 

Harry stares at her. 

"Don't worry, it also includes, and I quote, seductions of team players, realizations, and haunting details of their past lives that change their lives forever. Hey, sex sells." 

"I see..." 

"I'm naming one of the characters after _you_, Harry." 

"I'm flattered. Will I be the guy on the donkey or the one that gets seduced?" 

"I'm thinking the seduced one will be more exciting. I'll be sure to include some steamy details, you know," said Hermione excitedly. 

_And you thought Hermione was innocent..._

"So... about the dance..." started Harry. 

"Yeah..?" 

_Uh, I kind of meant for you to finish the sentence. You know, like, I'm sure we'll have a great time or something?_ thought Harry. "Well, I mean, are you looking forward to it?" 

"Oh yes, I'm sure it'll be lots of fun." 

Harry grinned. Now this was more like it. "Yeah I'm pretty excited myself." 

"So who are you going with?" asked Hermione with a smile. 

Harry grinned back. Now she's pretending she doesn't know. Joking back, he said "Heehee, I don't know, how about you?" 

"I don't know either," laughed Hermione. 

"No really, I'm sure we'll have fun." 

"..." 

"We... _are_ going together right?" asked Harry uncertainly. 

"Oh Harry I didn't mean I would actually _go_ with you.. you know..." 

Harry flushed a brilliant shade of raspberry. 

"I was ... just.. joking..." managed Harry, and he ran up to his dormatories. 

_Crap_, thought Hermione. _Now you just made your best friend think you wanted to go to the dance with him._ "Who cares anyways?" said Hermione aloud with a careless giggle, "He's _just_ Harry. I mean, in the end, we _always_ become good friends again." And with that she continued on her story. This part was getting exciting. This was the part when Harry has to make his big choice... I mean, _should_ he give in to the compliments or not? Hermione was getting the chills just writing it. 

*****   
La de da... 


	14. The Dark Lord Makes an Appearance

A/N: This may be a bit confusing. Basically, the story switches off to Voldemort. For a bit. Then after a while it goes back to Harry and his little friends... we'll see how it works out. 

Chapter 14 - The Dark Lord Makes an Appearance 

On the other side of the world, Voldemort was sitting in his cozy home in South Dakota, USA. He was _sure_ no one would find him here. It was brilliant, actually, brilliant just like himself. 

He leaned back on his chair with flourish, sipping his earl grey tea. Everything was going well. The doorbell rings, and Voldemort presses his intercom buttom conveniently located next to his armrest. 

"_And you are?_" whispered Voldemort in his best deathly whisper. This was a safety precaution, to scare away young pranksters who found his tomato garden funny. 

"It is I, Bellatrix, my lord." 

Oh, so it was Bellatrix. 

"_How do I know you are speaking the truth? How do I know you aren't Dumbledore pretending to be Bellatrix?_" demanded Voldemort. 

"Because you are all knowing, and you can tell when someone is lying to you! Remember, you proved that to us in the first book." 

"Oh shut up." 

"May I enter?" whispered Bellatrix, "Those damn kids across the street are staring at me because I just _avada kedavra_-ed a cat." 

"Why did you _avada kedavra_ a cat?! Do you not _know_ that it attracts attention?" 

"Well, _obviously_ yes but it was eating your tomatoes!" 

_Gasp_ "You are not serious. It was eating the Dark Lord's tomatoes?" 

"Yes!" 

"Fine, come in then." 

"Hello, Voldemort," greeted Bellatrix, "Here, I brought some chocolates for you." 

"That's nice, but you _know_ I can't eat chocolates. But never mind that - let's get down to business." 

_Disney's "Mulan" music plays._

"So -" 

_Let's get down to business, to defeat - the huns._

"Why are you here?" shouted Voldemort over the music. 

"I have some news!" Bellatrix shouted back. 

Voldemort didn't respond as he was searching for the remote to stop the music. He pressed the stop button. "There." 

"As I said, Voldemort, I have some news." 

"Don't you address me like you and I are old friends. You may call me _Lord_ Voldemort, or The Dark Lord, or anything that contains the word Lord." 

"Fine," said Bellatrix, rolling her eyes, "My _Lord_, I have some news." 

"Proceed," said Voldemort, helping himself to a Danish buttercookie. 

"I was gossipping on the phone with Severus, and he was saying that he found out some stuff about Dumbledore." 

"Oh? Is it something juicy? Or did he finally crack and post the location of the Order of the Pheonix on the web?" 

Bellatrix grinned. "My Lord, that is exactly what happened. Dumbledore posted the location on the web!" 

"Yay!" squealed Voldemort, "I am complete! Race you to the computer, Bella!" 

Voldemort races Bellatrix to the computer, but Voldemort won because he cheated and elbowed Bellatrix in the ribs. 

"Did Severus tell you the URL?" 

"Uh, no..." 

"That's okay, we can search on Google." 

So on google, the Dark Lord types in 'Order of the Pheonix' for his search querie. After sorting through pages of results, and 2 hours later, he finally finds Dumbledore's website. _Hah_, thinks Voldemort triumphantly, _his website isn't very popular._ On the website, there are only a few words, but enough to make Voldemort jump up and high five Bellatrix. 

_ 48 Flower Garden Road   
Samsingtonville, Wisconsin. _

"Pack your bags, Bellatrix, we're going to Wisconsin!" With that he marched over to his bedroom and pulled out his Louis Vuitton travel bag. He threw some clothes in - mostly black capes - and marched out to the living room. 

"Ready, Bellatrix?" 

"Apparently, no, it's not like I keep my clothes over at _your_ place." 

The Dark Lord sighed impatiently. "It's okay, Bella, we can share." 

Exactly 4.2 seconds later, a man with red eyes in a black cloak and a evil looking woman land in the middle of a sunny street in Samsintonville, Wisconsin. 

*****   
Just a hint... I update faster if you review! (Wow, what a concept) 


	15. Voldemort Gets a Piggy Back Ride

Chapter 15 - Bellatrix Gives Voldemort a Piggy Back Ride 

Dumbledore sat in his office at Hogwarts, staring at his computer screen. Leaning back, he shuffled through some papers. Mostly confidential stuff. Ah, a lovely Christmas card from his best buddy Mumblemore who lived in Wisconsin. Suddenly realizing something, he started chuckling. Silly him, he really was going senile! He posted Mumblemore's address on the web! _Poor Mumblemore_, chuckled Dumbledore, _He's going to have some interesting visitors_. 

No shit, Dumbledore. 

_Setting: Many, many miles away._

"Bella, we've made it!" shrieked Voldemort. 

Bellatrix scratched her head. "This is a weird place for a hideout of a secret organization to save the world." 

"_Bella_," said Voldemort impatiently, "Don't you understand? This is fucking _brilliant_. No one would ever suspect them here! They just mingle here inconspicuously and my Death Eaters would never have guessed! I mean, I've never even heard of..." Voldemort turns his head to read a sign that says _Welcome to Samsingtonville, Wisconsin_. "...Samsingtonville." 

"Me niether," said Bellatrix in awe. "Anyways, let's get down to business." 

_Song from Disney's "Mulan" plays faintly in the distance._

"ANYWAY," Voldemort muttered whilst rolling his red eyes, "Did you write down the address?" 

Bellatrix stared at him. "You didn't tell me to write it down." 

"_You didn't write down the address?!_ What kind of evil minion _are_ you?" 

"Oh, jeebus. Calm down, my Lord, I think I remember it. It was... 84 Garden of Flowers Lane. No, no... 84 Flower Garden Lane. Or road. See, we're on Flower Garden Road already! No sweat, no sweat," said Bellatrix soothingly to a hyperventilating Voldemort. 

"Are you sure you have the number right? I thought it was divisible by 8," said Voldemort skeptically. 

"No, I'm sure it wasn't divisible by 8. Now, let's go." 

With that, the two evil cloaked figures walked down Flower Garden road in search of The Answer. To their questions. 

A few minutes later, a panting Voldemort reached the steps of 84 Flower Garden Road. 

"WhoooooOooo. Hold on, Bella, let me take a breather," gasped Voldemort. "And stop looking smugly at me. I don't exercise often. Usually my evil minions carry me around. Or I'm hanging on the back of their heads or something." 

Bellatrix didn't respond and instead rang the doorbell. 2 long minutes later, an old woman in a bathrobe opens the door. Peering suspiciously at them, she wrinkles her nose in confusion. 

"Hubert, theres a couple of trick-or-treaters dressed as witches at the door!" she shouted behind her. 

"Holly, it's fucking March right now. Let me remind you again, Halloween is in October!" 

"Don't you (_insert horrid swearword_) cuss at me, you (_swearword_)! You wait 'till I hobble over there!" 

Holly slammed the door in Voldemort and Bellatrix's faces. They could hear chairs being thrown and glass breaking. 

"Don't you tell me those crackheads are part of the Order." 

"Sorry, Voldemort." 

"_Lord_ Voldemort." 

"... Lord Voldemort." 

"Okay. We, er, I mean, _you_ got the wrong address so ... what do we do now?" 

"Well I don't _know_. Hey, aren't _you_ Lord Voldy-all-knowing?" said Bellatrix, clearly frustrated. 

Voldemort ignored her. "Hey," he said faintly. 

Silence. 

"Any day now, Voldemort." 

"I think I remember.... the address..." 

"Well... _spit it out, dimwit!_" cried Bellatrix. 

"It's 48 Flower Garden Road! I _knew_ it was divisible by 8!" cried Voldemort triumphantly. 

".... Fine," sputtered Bellatrix. 

_At 48 Flower Garden Road_

"Knock on the door, Bella," panted Voldemort. 

Bellatrix knocks. 

A few seconds later, an old, fat, hairy man with an abnormally large potbelly answered the door. He was wearing just a towel and held a beer in his left hand. "What'dya want," he sneered. 

"Ah," smirked Voldemort, "You know, they say that fat is the best disguise." He smiled. "Now, take off your mask, before I do it for you." 

The man stared. "Are you threatening me, you skinny little thing?" 

Voldemort gasped. "Bella," he whined, "He's making fun of me! It's not _my_ fault I had surgery! I can't gain weight!" 

Bellatrix decided to take action. Giving a whoop, she charged into the house, screaming. 

"What the -" 

Bellatrix looked around. Hmm. Flowery sofas. White curtains. _Where was the Order?_ After making a complete tour around the house, she realized that it was empty. 

Outside, Voldemort was standing face to face with the man. 

"So, is any of this stuff real?" smirked Voldemort, prodding at the man's stomach with his wand. 

"Stop touching me, you old pervert." 

Voldemort cleared his throat. "Bella!" he shouted. 

"My Lord! It is empty! Dumbledore has deceived us!" 

Before the man could say anything, Voldemort nodded his head to Bellatrix and they disappeared with a _Poof_. 

Within seconds, Voldemort and Bellatrix appeared back in Voldemort's house in South Dakota. 

"He tricked us," muttered Voldemort, pacing around. 

"Stupid senile old man, why didn't he _post_ on his site that the address was that of a fat, hairy, old man?" 

"I _must_ get back at him," said Voldemort, squinting. "We must go to Hogwarts!" 

"Lord, are you a complete idiot or what! You can't do that!" 

"Yes I can, and I will!" 

Bellatrix stared at him. "You can't apparate inside the walls of Hogwarts! Don't you remember? You used to be Tom Riddle! You used to _go_ to the stupid school!" 

"Shut _up_ about Tom Riddle! I am not Tom Riddle!" shrieked Voldemort. "Anyway. We can't apparate _inside_ Hogwarts... but we can apparte _outside_ of Hogwarts! We can apparate _near_ it and _walk_ inside Hogwarts! Yes! I am brilliant!" 

"I never thought of that," sighed Bellatrix in awe. 

"Yes, let us do that now. Pack your bags, Bellatrix! Off to unplotted-place-on-map we go!" 

"Er, are we going to share clothes again Voldemort?" asked Bellatrix. 

"Eh - whatever. Just steal some galleons from some first year, buy some clothes ... doesn't matter. Now, hold on to my hand - don't want to get lost now - and watch out Hogwarts! The Dark Lord has come to capture your leader! And perhaps cause some chaos while we're at it." 

With a _whoosh_, the Dark Lord and Bellatrix Lestrange landed about a mile away from Hogwarts. 

"Bella," commanded Voldemort, "Carry me to Hogwarts." 

"No way, you stupid man! Why would I want to carry you?" 

Voldemort sighed. "It's not a matter of what _you_ want, Bella. You didn't join my evil clan to sit around and eat donuts. Now. Piggy back ride." 

Muttering and protesting, Bellatrix squated down and the Dark Lord clambered on top her back. 20 minutes later, they saw the glimmering entrance of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. 

Voldemort pumped his fist in the air. "We're here!" he cried triumphantly, "Now off to kill Dumbledore." 

"Not before I kill you first," muttered the tired and sweating Bellatrix. 

"Now I'll just pretend I didn't hear that and I won't Avada Kedavra you." 

They walked slowly to the entrance, and after seeing no one around, quietly slipped into the Great Hall. 

*****   
Things are coming back to Harry and friends, because Voldemort just entered Hogwarts. Yay for you people who like Harry's adventures better.   
More reviews = faster and possibly longer updates. I'm serious. Much thanks to all of you that have been reviewing.   
See? I'm updating and it hasn't even been a week yet! Right? Or has it? 


	16. Voldemort Tries to Look Inconspicuous

Chapter 16 - Voldemort Tries to Look Inconspicuous 

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were in the common room, reading the Daily Prophet by the fire. 

"Harry, news goes that Voldemort has been sited in Wisconsin. And South Dakota," said Ron. 

Ron and Harry looked at each other, then burst out laughing. 

"C-can you believe it? Voldemort? In _Wisconsin_? I've never even _heard_ of Wisconsin!" gasped Ron. 

"That's _got_ to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever read! In my life! And I've read alot of stupid things!" roared Harry through his tears of laughter. 

"That's just like saying Voldemort apparated one mile from Hogwarts and got a fucking _piggy-back ride_ from that Lestrange lady or something! H-he could even be downstairs at this very moment!" giggled Ron. 

This set the two boys into even more fits of uncontrollable guffaws. 

Little did they know, that was exactly what was happening. 

_Downstairs_. 

"Bella, try to look inconspicuous," whispered Voldemort. 

"Yes, I'm sure we'll blend in perfectly," said Bellatrix sarcastically, "You are _only_ the most wanted, evil wizard in the whole damn world. And with our looks and your red eyes, I'm sure _no one_ will notice us." 

"I want none of your sarcasm, Bella. Give me anymore of that crap and I will cut off your arm and brew a stew for myself. And believe me, I've done that before," said Voldemort menancingly. 

It was then on that Bellatrix decided to stop being mean to Voldemort. 

"So, let's go kill Dumbledore now. Where was his office again?" 

Bellatrix scratched her head. Frankly, she did not know. It's been a long time... actually, the only memory she could think of was the time when she and Bartholomew (Mr. Lestrange - he _must_ have some kind of a first name) first met up. Ah, that was quite a story. Ignoring Voldemort's nagging and whining, Bellatrix Lestrange daydreamed ... reliving the memory from when she was young. 

_ Bellatrix's heart raced faster as she neared him. Hot damn, there was the hunkster himself, just standing there. Sexy, she thought. Suddenly he turned around. Bella, he said as he smiled warmly, Want to go for a walk? Heart hammering, she muttered a quick yes and - _

"BELLA!" screamed a now enraged Voldemort. He was huffing and puffing. "Where the hell is his office?!" 

"Over... there..." Bellatrix said distractedly, annoyed at Voldemort's interruption. She pointed in a random general direction. 

"Of course, I remember now," said Voldemort contently, walking towards the Gryffindor dormatories (which he thought was the office). "It's been... so long... my mind has been preoccupied with battle strategies and the latest torture devices... forgotten about this old school. Anyways. Hm, this sure looks strange." 

"Yeah," murmured Bellatrix, "This is all red and gold. Wasn't that Gryffindor's colors?" 

"Whatever," said Voldemort, "Everyone knows that the old senile git favors the Gryffindors. Of course he'd hang these colors around his office." 

_Heh heh._   
_Gryffindor common room..._

"Voldemort's so _stupid_," laughed Ron. 

"I heard he and Snape were going out," snorted Harry. 

"I am _not_ going out with Severus, thank you very much," came a icy voice from the entrance. 

Harry and Ron turned white. Ron peed his pants with fear. 

"V-voldemort?" stuttered Harry. 

"Hello, Harry." 

"H-how'd you get in here?" said Ron, scared stiff. And yes, of _course_ Harry and Ron have a conversation with Voldemort when he suddenly appears. Don't ask. 

"Well, I have my ways. I'm only the most powerful wizard in the world," said Voldemort nonchalantly, picking at his nails. 

"I'm scared, H-harry," muttered Ron. 

"Yes, I can _tell_ that, you disgusting baboon," said Harry, annoyed, wrinkling his nose in disgust at Ron's little 'mess'. 

Voldemort cleared his throat. "I'm not _here_ to hear your little quarrels on who fears me the most - although that'd be nice. However, I'm here to find Dumbledore. Tell me, where is his office?" 

"Turn right, down the hall, downstairs, turn left, right, walk a bit, and then turn left," said Harry wide-eyed. 

"Ah, thanks Potter. Oh, I'll come by and kill you off later, as that is my mission, but I've got to get rid of some personal issues first. Toodles!" 

Voldemort left Harry and Ron shaking and trembling on their sofas. From fear. They were not on ecstacy. 

"I _knew_ I was going to die," said Harry sadly, "I wonder why the author has kept me alive for so long?" With that Harry and Ron embraced. 

Voldemort and Bellatrix quickly turned right, went down the hall, downstairs ... etcetera. 

"This brings back old memories," exclaimed Voldemort excitedly, "Do you want to go and visit the teachers or something? We could go and see Severus!" 

"My Lord, we are on a mission. First kill Dumbledore, _then_ we can do whatever the hell you want. We can even organize a freakin' party, _after_ we finish this," said Bellatrix determinely. 

"Yay for parties!" squealed Voldemort. 

After moments of silence, Voldemort and Bellatrix finally reached the gargoyle that stood in guard of the entrance to Dumbledore's office. 

"Er - move aside, you stupid hunk of stone," commanded Voldemort, prodding at it with his wand. 

The gargoyle did not budge. 

"Fine, I'll just blast - " 

"That won't be neccessary," came a calm voice behind them. Yes, it was Dumbledore with that same annoying twinkle in his eyes. 

"... Good evening, Dumbledore," said Voldemort smoothly, "If you don't already know, I'm here to kill you." 

Dumbledore chuckled. "Oh yes I know, I read about it in the papers." 

There was an uncomfortable silence. "Erm, I'll just get to that then, shall I?" said Voldemort awkwardly. It wasn't everyday that his target just _stood_ there waiting to be Avada Kedavra-ed. 

Dumbledore looked bored. He took out a nail-filer and began to file his nails. "Yes, any day now, Voldemort." 

However, Voldemort just stood there with a flustered look upon his pale face. "MUGHH! You are making this _so_ difficult! My effing _conscience_ is taking over! I _can't_ kill you now," said a frustrated Voldemort. 

Dumbledore stared at him. "...Okay, then?" 

_Minutes of silence passed_. 

Voldemort cleared his throat again. "Er - Du - Albus?" Voldemort began tentatively, "Can I stay for the night?" 

Dumbledore's calm expression diminished. "_What do you **mean** stay the night!?_ I can't let you stay at Hogwarts! You are Voldemort, for fuck's sake! Do you _know_ what'll happen to this stupid school if the most evil wizard of all time stayed here? I can just imagine it now - front page of the Daily Prophet - _Dumbledore goes senile: lets Voldemort sleep at Hogwarts_. Too many people think I've lost my crackers already!" 

"_Fine_," said Voldemort snottily, "_Don't_ let me stay. I was expecting better, Dumbledore, much much better... Come on Bella. We're going back to my hideout." 

Voldemort stuck his non-existant nose up in the air and marched out of Hogwarts, with Bellatrix trailing after him. 

Meanwhile, none other than Draco Malfoy decided to saunter down the halls at this time. 

"Hi Professor," Draco greeted. 

"Oh hello, Mr. Malfoy." 

"Do tell me, Professor, was that just Voldemort and one of his minions here in Hogwarts?" 

"Yep, indeed it was." 

Draco sighed. "_Awesome_... that's _great_, Professor, I've been wanting to meet the guy for _ages_. See you later." 

Dumbledore stared after Draco. "I'm just a _leetle_ bit worried about that boy..." 

_Upstairs_

Harry and Ron were still embracing. 

"D'you think he's gone yet, Harry?" gulped Ron. 

"_You'll_ be gone soon if you don't let go," said Harry crossly, "I don't know about _you_ but I don't want to be accused of being homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that." 

Ron looked at Harry strangely. "There's nothing wrong with that." 

"That's what I _just_ said, you putz." 

"But you said that you didn't want to be homo. Why not, if there's nothing wrong with it?" 

"You don't get it, do you? There's nothing wrong with being a - a- worm! But do you want to be a worm? NO!" 

"If you put it that way..." 

*****   
Alright, couple of uh, announcements.   
- _Much much_ thanks to you guys who reviewed. You guys are _awesome_.   
- Sorry if this chapter is a bit weird, but I'm not-doing-homework-writing this, so yeah...   
- Please review? Same thing, more reviews = faster updates. Probably.   
- I can do email updates **if** wanted. Is that a good idea? Yes/no?   
- If you have any questions about anything... like how to italicize and bold stuff or something, give me an email and I'll be glad to help.   
- Lastly, have a cookie. Or two. 


	17. Voldemort Wants To Kill RunAndHide

Chapter 17 - Voldemort Wants To Kill RunAndHide 

_He pushed Harry against the wall. "What do you want, Malfoy?" Harry said weakly. "What do you think, hmm? I've got you pressed against the wall, we're alone in a stupid cave, what else do you think is going to happen?" Malfoy growled, "You know, you're not as smart as they say you are." "Oh goodness let's just_

"Hermione?" 

Hermione shut her notebook with a snap and looked up crossly. 

"Oh thanks for interupting, Harry." 

"No problem. Listen - the dance is soon... any of your friends free?" Harry asked hopefully. 

"Just go with Ron, won't you? You too look great together," muttered Hermione, annoyed. 

Harry turned red. "What do you know that we think you don't know?" he rambled. 

He wasn't serious, was he? Was he really together with Ron? Goodness. Everyone was turning gay. Hold on - Ron was with Malfoy awhile ago. Geez, now Ron is cheating on Malfoy with Harry. 

"Oh nothing, Harry, I was just ... kidding. Er, go ask Ginny or something." 

Harry cleared his throat. Time to change the subject. "So, ah, what're you writing?" 

"Before you rudely interupted me? Yes, I was writing that book. Remember? The one about the soccer players stranded in the middle of snowy mountains who get rescued by a guy on a donkey holding a sac of mangoes?" 

"Right. And I'm in there, right? The one being seduced?" 

"Exactly." 

"So. Who's seducing me?" 

Hermione smiled. "Malfoy." 

_South Dakota_

Bellatrix slumped around Voldemort's hideout, bored out of her wits. What was the git doing now? She slumped over to his room. 

"What are you doing, my Lord?" 

"Reading fanfics," he said distractedly. 

"...Trashy porn ones, from the looks of it," said Bellatrix, frowning. "Oh ew, is that one about me? Click on it. No, no, click on that one! _Click on that story, you little mother -_" 

Voldemort finally clicked on the story. "Augh - stupid popup. No I do _not_ care about Ebay, you stupid son of a -" 

"Hey this story is very well written. I like this. Gosh, the author sure seems violent. She's threatening us if we don't review! 'Click the review button and leave a ****ing review or else I'll come hunt you down and kill you.'" 

"We should leave a review, then," said Voldemort, shocked. 

With trembling hands, he hurredly clicked _Go_. 

_Name: Voldemort and Bellatrix   
Email: if_we_tell_we_have_to@killyou.com   
Review: Good story but we think you should be less violent in trying to get reviews. Love, Voldie and Bella. _

"Let's go to another story." 

Voldemort and Bellatrix continue on their journey, discovering the wonders of fanfiction. They found that some stories could make them cry, some can make them laugh until they had a stomachache, and some were just plain stupid. 

"Bella, look at this poorly written story. It's called 'Something for Nothing'. The first few chapters are just pointless because they don't involve me at all, but these last few chapters - look!" 

"Yep, she makes you seem like a stupid, whiny little bitch." 

"I know - we should flame her," muttered Voldemort angrily. "Hold on - I'm not really like that am I?" 

"Of course not," answered Bellatrix quickly, "You are so evil, bad, you scare me so much I have nightmares for months." 

"Heh, thanks Bella," said Voldie proudly. "I still think we should flame her, though." 

"You do that. But first I want to read it." 

When they got to chapter 16, Voldemort was fuming. 

"She said I didn't have a nose! That's so _low_, man, that's _low_. You know what? I'm not reading these anymore. All this stories are just making fun of me. Come on, Bella, we'll find this - this - 'Run and Hide' and we'll kill her." 

"No - no, now you're just ruining the story. I know what'll make you feel better. Let's have a post Valentine's day bash." 

Voldemort's troubles diminished. "_Party!_" he squealed, "We can invite all the Death Eaters! Oh gosh, we have to get or-gan-_ized_! Make lists, make lists!" 

"No," said Bellatrix faintly, "I just thought of something..." 

_4 minutes later..._

"_Now_ who's being the slow dimwit? Spit it out, woman!" 

"Hogwarts is having a Spring Dance! Let's go be party poopers!" 

"That sounds like a wonderful idea. Let's apparate one mile from there and you can give me a piggyback ride again." 

*****   
A few of you people wanted email updates or something. First, I must clarify what they are. Sorry for my stupidity. What I meant was that I can email you alerting of an update. But... whatever.   
Sorry for the relatively short chapter, but I'm at my mom's work right now and it's not an ideal place for a hilarious update.   
Again, thank you all for reviewing. (In other words, review again. Please? Thanks.)   
**Also!** I wrote another stupid story. But that one is even stupider than this one, if possible. Go read it - It's called 'Another Stupid Story'. Original, I know. 


	18. Unexpected, Yet Wonderful, Surprises

Chapter 18 - Unexpected, Yet Wonderful, Surprises 

"I will not give you piggyback ride," responded Bellatrix snottily. 

Voldemort stared at her. "There is no room for idscussion on that matter." 

"Yes there -" 

"- Nuh uh." 

"Volde -" 

"- Nuh uh." 

"Oh my -" 

"- Shut up." 

_(61 tries and nuh uh's later)_

"Bella, let's just pack some party clothes. I may have a few garmets for you," exclaimed Voldemort excitedly. 

He trotted happily to his bedroom, and swung open the closet doors. 

"_Voi_-la!" he announced with florish. 

Bellatrix raised her right eyebrow. 

Voldemort's face dropped. "Well?" he said dissapointedly. 

"I'm trying, I'm trying... I don't see anything spectacular. It's all nice... and... black." 

"Well," Voldemort said impatiently, "There's dark black, light black... and black and black stripes!" 

"O... kay." 

"Anyways, that's not my party attire. Now... _here_-" Voldemort pushed the clothes aside, revealing sparkley, tie-dye garmets. "- are the groovy, hip clothes!" 

Bellatrix snorted. "Yes, they were hip like 50 years ago!" 

"_I_ still think they are _extremely_ chic. Very... a la mode. Tres jolis. Muy... _cool_. So..." 

"Okay, I get the point. I still think they are horrendously... _ugly_," said Bellatrix coolly. 

"...Shut up, dipshit." 

"Fine, asscap." 

"Stop being a craphead." 

Bellatrix was sputtering, trying to think of more insults, but failing. 

"I win!" cried Voldemort triumphantly, "This means you get a ... kick in the ass!" 

"What the... fucking fuck?!" 

Voldemort kicked Bellatrix's ass. Bellatrix punched Voldemort in his non-existant nose. 

_(severed limbs, bloody noses) (pow pow) (insert fight scene)_

"Let's... pack..." gasped Voldemort. Limping, he took his Louis Vuitton knapsack and stuffed in some brightly colored, very "picturesque" clothes. He also left some on the side for them to wear on the journey. 

"Dude, I'd be _so_ ... embarrassed wearing those," muttered Bellatrix, "What if there are hot guys there?!" 

Voldemort replied annoyed, "You can... either... wear these, or go naked. Your choice on which one is more embarrassing." 

There was a thoughtful pause. 

"Do you have a size M, womens?" 

_Hogwarts, Gryffindor common room_

_"...Let's just... go to bed."   
"Okay, not with you, though, Drake."   
"Stop thinking like that, Harrian," muttered Drake. At least not yet, he thought, smirking. _

Hermione giggled nervously. Her story was coming along well, if a bit perverted. This story better stay secret, though, she'd be _so_ embarrassed if anyone found out she was writing it. The most embarrassing thing in the world, probably. She was wrong. 

_One mile from Hogwarts_

"I am _so_ embarrassed," wailed Bellatrix. She looked down, picking at her huge, tie-dyed shirt, her ragged, neon purple bellbottoms, and zebra-striped stilletto boots. Her hair was crimped and in a pink and yellow polkadotted hair band. Her makeup- done by Voldemort himself - made her look like a run away, amateur circus clown. 

"You look pretty good, I think," retorted Voldemort. "The makeup looks stunning, the outfit is just plain sexy." 

"You look like an ugly rock star," sneered Bellatrix, wrinkling her nose at Voldemort's selection of a green leather jacket, tight tie-dyed shirt, and terribly tight leather pants. He was wearing also an oversized pair of sunglasses, to hide his glaring red eyes. 

"Thanks Bella." 

They trudged on to Hogwarts, and again, slipped into the castle unnoticed. Or so they think. Dun dun dun....! 

As soon as they entered the Great Hall, hoards of students started to rush towards them. 

"Oh my god, we've been recognized," whispered Voldemort, terrified, "What do we do, oh dear god, what do we do?!" 

"Stay calm, my Lord," Bellatrix whispered back. 

One of the faster students rushed up to them, and peered at Voldemort closely. "Oh my _gosh!_" she shrieked, "It really _is_ Mortimer from the Trash 'N' Wizards band!!" 

The other girls shrieked with delight, and rushed up to him, trying to touch him. 

"Mortimer! Trash 'N' Wizards!" the students chanted. 

"Fine, don't give _me_ any attention," muttered Bellatrix with jealousy. 

One of the girls turned to Bellatrix. Voice dripping with envy, she said, "Are _you_ the one he's dating, you old hag?" 

Bellatrix gasped. "I am totally not a hag!" 

"So you are the one he's dating?" asked another girl rudely. 

"Of course n -" 

"Of course she is," cut in Voldemort smoothly. "We're getting married, actually. Soon." 

Bellatrix looked horrified, and when looked at expectantly from the girl, nodded painfully. 

"Okay, girls," announced "Mortimer" smugly, "I'll be signing autographs _later_, but for now, we must get our rest." 

"Bye Mortimer! We love you!" the girls chanted. 

Bellatrix and Voldemort hurried away. When they were out of earshot, Voldemort whispered, "Whew, that was close." 

"By the way, if you were confused, we are _not_ getting married. Dipshit," said Bellatrix. 

_Slytherin common room_

Draco sat glumly on his bed, quill poised above a blank parchment. How _do_ you convince someone to go with you to the dance? Maybe he should bribe her or something. Or threaten her. Or ... he sighed. 

_Dear Hermione,   
Dance. You. Me.   
Got it?   
- Drake.   
(Oh yes, I do know about your book.   
Think about it as another reason why you would want to go with me. Wink wink.) _

_That should do it,_ smiled Draco evilly. Blackmail was one of his favorite pasttimes. 

*****   
Sorry for the slow updates. But like most of you, I do indeed have a life. Uh, well hopefully if was sufficient, and review or else I will hurt you. 


	19. Voldemort Experiences Nature at its Best

Chapter 19 - Voldemort Experiences Nature at its Best 

_Tap tap._ A disgruntled Hermione poked her head up from the snuggly wuggly covers. What _is_ that damn noise? All she could think was _Make it stop, make it stop_. The noise did not stop. Annoyed and very frustrated, she opened one eye and realized an owl - er, eagle - was tapping impatiently at her window. Grumbling, she let him in. 

Hermione grabbed the note and read it with one eye open. 

"That little... dipshit. He wouldn't. He wouldn't tell," she muttered incoherently, while pulling on jeans and a sweatshirt. She would kill the bloody bastard before he could say "Mummy." 

_Great Hall, breakfast time_

It was busy, and very noisy in the Great Hall. Hermione peered around the Slytherin table, trying to spot her victim. Aha, ugly guy with blonde hair. Sticking her nose up in the air, she marched indignantly over to him. 

"Malfoy," she said coldy, "A word, please." 

Grinning idiotically (and thinking she was going to drool over him), he followed her smugly out of the Great Hall. As soon as they rounded the corner, Hermione gave him a punch in the head. 

"Fuck - that hurt, you ho!" 

"I'm glad." 

"_What_ is your problem?" groaned Malfoy, clutching his throbbing head. 

"Ummmmm.... let's see. You. I hope you realized by now that _nobody_ blackmails Hermione Granger and gets away with it," Hermione snapped. "Dipshit." 

"Slutface," said Malfoy. 

"Manwhore," retorted Hermione. 

"Ass..wipe." 

_(Many, many insults later.)_

"So... you didn't answer my note," said Malfoy, picking at his nails. 

"Oh piss off," exclaimed Hermione, throwing her hands up in the air exasperately, and walked off. 

"...Is that a no?" 

_Gryffindor common room_

_ Morning came, and a scream was heard from inside the tent. Harrian had woken up, and almost peed his pants with fear when seeing the face of Drake so close to his.   
"Good morning, Harrian," mumbled Drake.   
"... Do me... a favor, and don't sleep with me again, k," said Harrian, hyperventilating.   
"Harrian," muttered Drake impatiently, "Can't you see? I'm not doing this out of choice! Here we are, stranded in the middle of snowy mountains. Do you see any big hotels here? Because I sure don't. And if you don't want to sleep in the tent with me, you can sleep outside on the warm, comfy snow. Who'd want to sleep with you anyways?" Drake shuddered and make disgusted noises for effect.   
However, what Harrian _ didn't _know was that Drake was crossing his fingers._

Hermione closed her notebook and hugged it. She must be careful to keep it very, very safe. How did Malfoy get to it anyways? That stalker. Or maybe he coincidently thought up the name Drake. Maybe Drake was a really popular name and she didn't even know about it. Whatever. Opening her notebook again, Hermione scratched her head and continued to write. 

_Near Hagrid's hut_

"Wake up, Bella," snapped Voldemort. 

Bellatrix responded by kicking him in the shins. "Shut... up... sleep..." 

Voldemort looked skeptically at the hippogriff that was about to crap on Bellatrix's head. Hey, she wouldn't wake up, it wasn't _his_ fault. 

After the lovely encounter in the Great Hall last night, Voldemort stupidly announced he was going to get some rest. He must have not been a very long-term thinker, as he didn't consider _where_ he was going to rest. He couldn't go in some random dormitory and throw a kid out the window, that was _so_ not Dark Lord-y. Thus, not thinking ahead has led the Dark Lord and his servant to sleep in an animal barn on piles of dung. Fantastic. 

Voldemort's thoughts were interupted by a disgusted, muffled shriek as Bellatrix woke up with a surprise on her head. 

"It _shit_ on me, that little -" Bellatrix screamed, blindly grabbing some leaves to wipe the offending material off her face. 

Voldemort looked at her and smiled. "I _told_ you to wake up." 

_Great Hall, Hogwarts_

"... And some _pastel green_ with the light yellow, to top it off!" squealed Dumbledore, swishing his wand around to produce crepe paper. 

The Hogwarts staff were decorating the Great Hall for the upcoming Spring Fling dance. Professor Flitwick was dancing around on the tables, Professor McGonagall was picking at her wand, and Snape was looking as surly as ever as he stroked the Barbie doll's hair inside his robes. 

Dumbledore looked around dissapointingly at the rest of his staff. "Why aren't you helping? We could use some light vermillions and perhaps some pastel purples around here." 

The staff responded by unenthusiastically waving their wands around, producing deflated balloons and dirty looking crepe paper. 

Dumbledore chuckled. "Now, now, we must put our _hearts_ into this! C'mon, friends, _repeat after me!_ Productus Creparus! Now, with a little more _oomph!_" 

_How much I would like to hex the bumbling idiot_, thought Snape, as he followed the rest of the staff with the swishing of the wands " - no, it's more of a _snap_ of the wands- " or _snap_ of the wands. _I wonder how much it costs to hire a hitman?_

_Near Hagrid's hut_

"We must form a battle plan. We cannot risk any faults on our parts," schemed Voldemort, pacing back and forth about the barn. 

"That's your job," muttered Bellatrix distractedly, spraying herself with deoderant that she _accio_-ed from some random bathroom in Hogwarts. 

"If we're going to do this, we might as well do this _right_," Voldemort said firmly. He looked at Bellatrix. She nodded distractedly. 

"What if they mistaken you for Mortimer again?" 

A tiny spot of colour rushed to Voldemort's incredibly pale complexion. "It's... not so bad." 

Bellatrix raised her eyebrow. "Don't tell me you actually _enjoyed_ that," she exclaimed. 

"Well," Voldemort responded haughtily, "It's quite _nice_, really. From what I hear, Mortimer is supposedly a real ... a real, er... _you know_." 

"I _don't_ know," snorted Bellatrix, "A real _what_?" 

"Er... a real... s - s ..." 

"_What_?" 

"A real _sex god_." 

"Oh..." 

"Yes," continued Voldemort, slightly embarrassed. He was kind of shy with that word, it wasn't commonly used in his profession. "I find it quite complimenting, actually." 

A few awkward minutes passed. 

"_So_. About the battle plans." 

_Slytherin common room_

Draco Malfoy slumped dejectedly on the sofa. He had just been rejected - by Hermione Granger of all people! _No one_ refused a Malfoy. It wasn't possible. Why - he'd be the laughing stock of the whole dark side! He could just imagine Voldemort poking fun at him. _I must get her_, thought Draco determinely. Since blackmail didn't work, he'd have to think of a better plan. 

He sat up straight as an idea hit him. Maybe he could try being _nice_ to her! Hah... ha... ha... that was pretty funny. A Malfoy being nice? Besides, look where being nice brought him. When he gave her the frog legs, she just chucked them at his head. 

Darn. 

*****   
Yay, long time no update. This was possibly the weirdest chapter, if possible. Please review, I'll be forever greatful. :D   
By the way, read my new story, it's not the funny random type, but I need some feedback on it, please? Hee, shameless plug. 


	20. Voldemort Party Poops

Chapter 20 - Voldemort Party Poops 

Bellatrix layed slumped over on her back over a lump of hay. Her long hair was littered with twigs and leaves. She had kicked off her zebra-striped stilletto boots, and the pink and yellow polkadotted hair band was thrown carelessly in a corner of the smelly barn. 

Voldemort was using his wand to draw a map of the school in mid-air. 

"So I'm thinking, when they have their little party, I could go in and pretend that the Giant Squid has eaten one of the professors - say, Professor Flitwick. Then everyone gets all panicky, and the party is ruined!" Voldemort smiled widely. 

Bellatrix mumbled incoherantly. 

"What was that, dear?" 

"I _said_," she sat up, propping herself with her hands, "That's the most pathetic party-pooping idea I've ever heard of." 

"Well, _you_ think of one," Voldemort scowled. 

"Why don't you just go in and kill someone?" 

"Like Dumbledore?" 

"Sure, like Dumbledore." 

Voldemort furrowed his brow in thought. "Don't you think that's a bit ... _extreme_?" 

"Hey, dumbass, you _are_ the Dark Lord, aren't you? You _did_ make your servant chop off his hand, you've _avada_-ed thousands of innocent people -" 

"Stop," Voldemort held up his hand. He wiggled his index finger. "Stop." 

Bellatrix looked at him. 

"Are you the boss here, or am I?" Voldemort snapped. 

"Oh shut up, stupid." 

Voldemort looked hurt. "Fine." 

Bellatrix sighed. "Why don't you just abduct someone and throw the kid in the lake?" 

"That's a wonderful idea!" Voldemort's sad mood lifted and he jumped up and down with joy. "Let's get ready, Bella." 

_Time of the Spring Fling Dance_

_Snap_. Voldemort snapped on his latex gloves, and motioned for Bellatrix to do the same. He put on his black ski mask and bent down to tie his black boots. He zipped up his black jacket and smoothed out his pants. 

Bellatrix was wearing a long black overcoat with a black topcat over her greasy hair. 

"Ready when you are, my Lord," Bellatrix whispered importantly, as if pretending to be one of those spy-girls in the movies. 

"I was ready before you, you twit," Voldemort whispered back irritably. 

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "C'mon, let's head towards the castle," she whispered again. 

"Why are we whispering?" 

"It makes things more exciting." 

"Oh, okay." 

They walked in silence towards the castle. The great door opened with ease and once again, Voldemort and his servant were inside Hogwarts. 

The castle was decorated with nice bursts of crepe paper, with colorful floating candles and colorful bouncing bubbles. Little magical creatures were wizzing around, throwing spring-colored confetti into everyone's eyes. 

"Who are we abducting again?" frowned Voldemort, as he whacked a magical creature unconscious to the ground. 

"I - don't - know -" grunted Bellatrix as she deliberately (and evilly, may I add) crushed the windpipe of the unconscious creature. Perhaps she was trying to redeem herself in the eyes of her lord. Who knows. 

"A Gryffindor?" squealed Voldemort with delight. "A Ravenclaw? Or even _better_ - a Hufflepuff?" exclaimed Voldemort with such glee he clapped his hands each time. 

"Whichever pleases you." 

Their (short) journey towards the Great Hall was silent for the rest of the way. 

A small _plop_ was heard, and after that, a series of unrepeatable curse words. Then, a wail from Bellatrix. 

"What _am_ I? A poo magnet?" she cried in agony. 

Apparently, the friends of the now unconscious creature-whose-windpipes-were-crushed-under-Bellatrix's-boots were here to get revenge, in the form of excreting their waste on her. An army of blue flying things whirled around her, and _plop_s were happening so fast it was now more of a drawn out _plooooo_ sound. 

Voldemort just cackled. He was euphoric. 

_Great Hall_

The staff was enthusiastically dancing around. Professor Flitwick was cheerily twirling Professor Sprout round and round, Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were dancing grandly in circles. None of the students were dancing. They looked bored and once in a while, one of them would go over to the food tables and help themselves to another refreshment all carved in the shapes of trees and clouds. 

Voldemort stealthily creeped over to the back of the crowd. Making sure to stay in the shadows, he peered around for a potential victim. 

He saw a boy stuffing his mouth with cakes and cookies, and Voldemort wrinkled his nose. No manners, that boy. Besides, he was too fat for Voldemort to handle; he didn't have the strongest arms in the world to lift up such a heavy creature. 

His eyes drifted towards a skinny girl in a blue sweater. She was shrieking loudly with laughter at some joke someone had apparently told. She would be too loud to handle, he thought. 

In the corner of the room, there was a sleeping boy, and from the looks of it, a 2nd year at most. Good choice, Voldemort thought. 

Draco grimaced as his two pals guffawed with laughter after Pansy Parkinson told another horrible joke. _I wish I had smarter friends._

"Drakie honey, wasn't that funny?" gasped Pansy, wiping her nose of the snot that managed to come out from her loud snorting. 

"Er, no." 

Pansy decided to ignore him and instead told another joke, which resulted in Crabbe almost suffocating himself with laughter. 

Voldemort gleefully held the body of the still miraculously sleeping boy up in the air in triumph. Bellatrix grumpily gave a grunt of approval. Voldemort looked around for a sign of shock, fright - anything. But he got none. No one noticed that the Dark Lord was in the Great Hall holding a boy in the air. 

"I guess I'll have to announce it in front of them," huffed Voldemort. He marched indignantly up to the tables, and with difficulty, climbed onto one of them. 

"_May I have your attention, please!_" bellowed Voldemort. 

Several heads turned his way. 

"I have abducted a Hogwarts student, and I am planning to throw him in the lake!" 

Most of the people who were looking at him lost interest and continued chatting with their friends. The ones that _were_ listening, however, looked skeptical. 

"I am _throwing_ -" Voldemort gestured, by doing swinging movements with his hands " - this _boy_ - " he pointed madly at the sleeping boy " - in the _lake_!" He made swimming movements to represent the water. 

By now, no one was looking at him anymore. 

Voldemort was sad. And mad. Angrily, he chucked the sleeping boy in the crowd. The people nonchalantly kicked the boy out of the way when they left to get refreshments. 

"What is _wrong_ with you people," cried Voldemort emotionally, "I was just about to _kill_ him and none of you caaarreeee..." He buried his head in his arms and sobbed. 

"There there," said Dumbledore, who was now patting the shaking Dark Lord, "I suppose you may have lost your touch, that's all. You see, people aren't scared of you anymore!" He chuckled. "Oh well, why don't you stay a few nights at Hogwarts and we'll restore you back to your scary old self!" 

"Really?" asked Voldemort softly with misty eyes, "Will you do that?" 

"Of course! Us old geezers have to stick together!" Dumbledore huffed good naturely. 

Hiccuping, Voldemort stood up and the two old men went to find Voldemort a spare room. 

Bellatrix looked disapprovingly at the two retreating figures. She _knew_ Voldemort was going soft. She supposed all those years of successful work would drain the old man of all the evil energy he had. 

A tiny little fluttering bird threw a handful of confetti in her face, and Bellatrix threw her hat at it. Muttering angrily, she strode out of the Great Hall and retreated back to her hiding place in the barn with the hippogriffs. 

*****   
I know I update infrequently, and this chapter probably wasn't even worth it, but I have no idea what to write. Still, review anyway or I'll set my crazy parakeet out at you. Hah. Hah. Okay, just kidding. Review because it makes me happy, and happy makes me giddy, which makes me write interesting (cough) chapters. Oh and by the way, read my other story, The Potion Chatoyante, which is going into post Hogwarts and will be updated more frequently than this one, maybe. But don't expect any zany humor or whatnot. 

And read BlackSlytherinGirl's stories. And all the other stories on my favorites list, because they are all really, really good. 


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